Today while roaming through Pinterest for some ideas (Yes, I pin.) I came across a picture that said the following…
“I have a hopeless crush
I have no chance with.”
Normally I’d feel a bit sad because my mind would automatically think about the person who wrote this. I’d instinctively wish they were able to overcome, I’d pray without thinking or rationalizing that I’m praying for someone I’ve never even met. I’d wish that they are living a happy life with the love of their life.
Today was a different day, for some reason I thought of me first and what it’d be like to be in that situation. What did this lead to? Not sadness or hopelessness …
I literally laughed out loud then got rudely interrupted by a lady trying to squeeze her cart down the aisle. Like I know she saw, she had no way of making it through, she could have waited for one of us to move first. Saying “excuse me” and pushing your way through is not the way it works. but I digress …
Today’s one of those days I can laugh at my situation. Living with same-sex attraction is not alway easy, some days it’s a bit tuff. This is true especially if you decided to take the stand I am taking which is to not give into it. What does that mean? I don’t believe I have a right to date another guy. I should avoid “falling in love” with another SSA guy whatever the cost, even ending a friendship if I feel like it’s leading somewhere else. The reason I laughed was because I get to have two different perspectives on life, like what if I had a crush on a guy or what if I had a crush on a girl … either one is possible. They would both be hopeless crushes because I don’t plan on dating a guy or girl. One of them is a big no-no and dating a girl would mean it could some day lead to marriage. Like I’ve said before if some day I get married to a girl it will be because that is what God had planned for me all along. The idea of not falling in love here on earth does not make me sad. What does make me sad is the idea of not truly falling in love with my Redeemer, Jesus. I fear to live a life where I only love Adonai because of what he has done in my life or what he can do for me and not truly love him because of who He is.
Today my SSA is just one of those things that make my life a rainbow of fun. I know some would prefer I not speak about it, some are still not used to hearing about it within the church. Some think it’d be better if I ignore it and not talk about it. I have learned the more I normalize it, the more I treat it like just one more thing I have to fight like lying, anger, hatred, resentment, jealousy, selfishness, and others the easier it is to live life. (Now I am not trying to say that dealing with SSA is easy. For some people, this is like climbing a mountain with no equipment or any type of outdoor experience. That’s how it was for me before I reached out for help and began to communicate with other men like me.)
This is just one more piece of the giant puzzle of who I am, I am a child of God, who on occasion deals with same-sex attraction.
Just some things I’d like to clarify in case someone around me is thinking of one of them. Some of these are things are the image society has created
- I do not automatically find you attractive if you are a guy (everyone has their own standards lol)
- I don’t go around lusting after every guy I see, we are not “horny” 24/7
- Homosexuality/Same sex attraction is not contagious (some people still think that)
- Having any type of normal physical contact with you will not automatically make me lust after you (handshake, bro hug, sitting next to you and knees/shoulders bumping etc)
- I may think you are cute but that does not mean I want to date you (I wouldn’t even tell you )
- Some days my SSA is non-existent, I have other things to worry about like saving my soul, paying off student loans, going back to school, deciding what to eat for dessert
- You can ask me how I’m doing with my SSA if you want. It doesn’t have to be taboo, off limits. If there is something you’d like for me to clarify, ask.
- This is not the only thing I am worried about or obsessed about in life. I write about it the most b/c that’s what this blog was for
- If you identify as gay/homosexual and live the life I do not automatically judge you and condemn you to hell. Jesus loves you and so do I. We can be friends! I do not agree with my friends on everything. Some of them love Taco Bell, I pray for them! lol … What this does mean is that I have to set up boundaries for my safety.
- I like musicals but I don’t love them
- I sometimes enjoy watching sports, not all the time. If I were to watch a game I’d prefer to actually be inside the place and not on a couch in front of a screen
- Forcing myself to date a girl will not “cure me”, it’d only complicate things. How can you ask me or anyone else to drag so much baggage into someone else’s life?
- a homosexual dating a lesbian is not a solution
- “Pray the gay away” if it were that easy, we wouldn’t be dealing with all this
- Guys stop hiding behind “no homo” especially Christians, you’re supposed to make a difference. It’s really annoying being around someone who constantly has to say “no homo”
I’m out of the “closet” for a reason. I’m not hiding this part of me just so that someone else can remain comfortable in their seat, inside the temple. I’m not gonna stop talking about it either. I’m continuing on this journey with those who want to remain beside me, ruffling feathers is something I do.
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have a great day!