About Me · Messages for my life · Other things from inside my head

I Shall Not Want!

Strings in general make me emotional lol … Especially when it’s live!!!!

One of my dreams is to learn how to play Cello. You all have no idea what that would mean to me. Whenever a song has one playing a solo, it always gives me some type of chill and it just makes me a big puddle of mush. This song has strings so you know the moment it started I was like, “What is this? Let’s see, ooh nice ..”

Then the lyrics start and her voice is so beautiful and unique at least that’s my opinion and so what I say is the truth! Right? Well as the song progressed I felt like my soul had been given a voice. I felt like someone had interviewed my Soul without me realizing it and then made a song from those questions and answers.

At the time I was listening to a podcast on my iPod so as soon as it ended I restarted the song and heard it again while at the same time pounding away on my iPad trying to find out who on God’s green earth was singing and what was the name of the song. Her name is Audrey Assad and the name of the song is I Shall Not Want (hopefully I can learn to play it in a comfortable key for me)

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

There are days I fear I am stuck and not growing or progressing spiritually, emotionally or intellectually in life because I have grown content with where I am at out of fear. I don’t want to deal with the stress of having to learn new things, of having to push past my boundaries and being uncomfortable. I don’t want to deal with going past my safety zone and having to trust God with what seems impossible because I’m afraid my faith isn’t strong enough. I am lacking and I don’t want to accept it, so I need God to deliver me from my comfort zone. Sadly I have to accept I do love my comfort.

One of my worries is that life is a lie. I fear that my friends aren’t really my friends, that they are just there out of pity. I fear that I’m just a charity case. I also know that I have kept toxic people in my life out of fear of having no one else appear to replace them. I rather have someone then no one at all. I know I have been a doormat, I thank my math teacher from 6th grade for having had the courage to take the blindfold off and making me realize that it was better for me to remain alone waiting for real friends instead of having a group that saw me as a tool to get what they wanted. Holy Spirit taught me an important life lesson that day, I cried and the whole time she reminded me of Jesus and God’s promises. I need to be more giving and truly trust that God will provide even when it seems like no help will come. I need to stop trying to provide for my own future all the time and learn to take the leap of faith. I need to help those around me who are in need, not just the people I care about.

Oh Worldy Passions! Lord, God Almighty help me every day to be more like you and less like my sinful humanity. Every day is a constant battle. I find myself comparing “the grass” from the other side of the fence to my own and wishing it was like that one over yonder. I know it’s all a lie, I know it’s false, I know true happiness will only come if I stay here waiting on the Lord, but some days I just wish things were different. I can be the sweetest gum drop button but all the same, I can be the deadliest drop of Viper venom to ever come into existence. Of course, that is not the way it should be. I need to continue to work on my anger, continue to keep my mouth shut and let God be the judge, let Him give justice and not try to take control of situations that don’t concern me. I need to remember that we are all God’s children no matter what others do to those that I care about, I need to trust it will all work for the better one way or another. If Joseph hadn’t been sold so many would have died … must remember

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

All that can be wrapped up into one big o’le basket with a giant bow. I’m constantly questioning everyone’s motives because I myself don’t believe in me. I don’t trust or confide because I am afraid of being hurt again, but this is changing as I write. This week I have opened up a part of me few have seen. I set myself up for failure. I still fear being called gay for the way I act, the things I say, for my likes and dislikes which of course is kinda crazy since I have this blog and ppl know the truth.

I know the people that matter will deal with it and continue on with life, I just need to believe that more. I want to be understood but I don’t let people see me. I want to be accepted but I don’t accept myself. I hate feeling lonely but I keep everyone at a distance. I don’t have the courage to reciprocate the, hello, to talk back and continue the conversation. I am just awkward haha  … I am an Anointed believer in Christ, I am a guy with SSA. I am my worst critic. I hate myself. I want to change but don’t find the courage to do so… it’s a bad circle and I need Abba to deliver me from it. I worry too much about how others see me because I don’t like seeing myself in the mirror. I constantly feel less than everyone, I constantly put myself down. Don’t sing ever again! Don’t ever bake that again! Don’t speak again! Don’t walk! Don’t breath! Don’t move, just disappear!   Act like yourself and you’ll be dumped in a second, you’ll be shunned and excommunicated! Lies, I know, but after years of repeating them, they seem like everlasting truth. I thank my Heavenly Father for helping me each day overcome and for the people who in one way or another help quite those lies.

From the fear of serving others
From the fear of death or trial
From the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

“Serving Others” as I said in verse two… I am my worst critic. I want to serve, I want to help but I feel inadequate. When people congratulate me all I hear inside my head is a negative voice. A voice saying, “You know you did horrible, you know so and so could have done that a million times better, they just said that to try to help your confidence/ego, you’re probably looking gloomy again and they want to make you feel better, they could have done a better job without you, you just slowed them down” I want to help, but what if I just make things worse. I need to trust God, I need to trust that the Holy Spirit will take over when the need arises, I need to trust that I have been anointed for a purpose and that the tools are at my disposal. I want to go sign up in those volunteer programs that connect with retirement homes so that you can read to them, talk with them or sing hymns. I want to help the LGTB community around me even if we don’t see eye to eye on the subject I want to be a ray of positiveness and just be a helping hand, a shoulder like others have been for me.

I don’t fear death, I welcome it. However, I don’t know about persecution so maybe I do fear it. I fear not being able to watch a loved one be tortured for the cause of Christ, I fear I’d forget all the promises He has given us for those difficult moments. I fear I’d question God and I’d demand him to answer, I’d demand that he carry out justice in a blaze of fire from the heavens. There are certain trials that I do fear going through because of my anger, I’d be the one to cut off the ear and then get scolded by Jesus for doing so. I need to stop fearing what could be… and just trust that God is in control today, tomorrow and always. I need to end the negativity and stop putting myself through trials that don’t exist.

I want to be humble, but I don’t want to have someone take advantage of me. I want to be humble but I don’t want someone to humiliate me. I want to be humble but I know in a certain situation I am not and it’s probably out of fear. I want to say I will go for the last seat but I know I want to be in the first one closest to the hostess. Jesus, help me learn from your example, help me learn from the living example of Pastor Eddie, from my Grandmother,  from so many others who truly live the gospel.  Help me not look down on others or to treat others less than … I don’t want others to do unto me but I do unto others, help me to stop being a hypocrite.  Help me to lay it all down and just live for you. Help me to not compare myself to others, help me to not let my distorted ego become a stumbling block in my own life or in the life of another.

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

 

I feel like when I heard that song, and I listened to it, again and again, a chain was broken, a chain was weakened, a weakness in my being was singled out in order for me to work on it and improve. Writing about each weakness has helped me realize how far I have gotten, of course, it has not been on my own it has all been by the grace of God. I need to stop wanting, fearing, and loving those things that go against the word of God, that go against who He is and who he wants me to be.

I pray you can examine your own self and see what chains you have held on to so that the Holy Spirit can guide you in releasing them. I am grateful for my current situation because I know God will turn it around and hopefully I can learn from my mistakes and help others do the same. I feel at peace! I feel happy! I am broken, but I know my Reedemer lives and he will mend me!

Blessings to you all! Have a great week! Hope you enjoy the song! Pray for me and I will pray for you! Have patience with me lol

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s