Messages for my life · Other things from inside my head · What God gives me

10th/11th of March -hate myself

First two day as a 26 year old —–

I thank God for my job, never in a million years would I have seen myself working at a fabric store. It’s definitely not a place I can apply my Pastry Chef degree. I am nowhere near an oven, the closest one is probably the one at Subway. I do wander through the Wilton aisle once in a while lol 

I’m probably the youngest there if not one of the youngest and I’m also the only male. Which makes it kind of interesting lol … The environment is nothing new to me since my whole life I’ve been surrounded by the female sex. I was the only guy in the flute class, there was one other guy, but he quite before the middle of the first half of the year. I grew up having the majority of my friends be female. So being around women is nothing new. 

What is new is having to learn what sewing notions and quilting notions are. The word, Notion, to me, is a “belief or conception about something” not little things used on a sew machine or fabric. I’m having to learn the different kinds of fabrics like fleece, chiffon, silk, satin, cotton, denim (I know jeans lol), home dec, vinyl (I always picture a record player in my head when I hear people ask for this) anti-pill (nothing to do with medication) and so many others. There are so many buttons and different types of ribbons that can be used for different projects. 

Quilting is a new world to me, but a lot of the people that do shop here are quilt makers. I like seeing how they pick and choose different fabrics and the whole time in there head they are picturing what they are about to make. Some days I’m even tempted to make one, but then I see all the things you need to get and I’m like maybe later. 

I think one of my favorite sections to restock which I learned really quickly why everyone else dislikes is the bead section, specifically the strung bead section. I have always liked shiny things. I love crystals and rocks especially those that the earth has made on its own. Some of the string beads remind me of amethyst, quarts, and all the others whose name I don’t know.   I think what I like most of working in this section or aisle is that it’s all color cordinated.  It makes sense in my mind the way it is set up and organized. The hard part about this aisle is that customers don’t always place the beads back in their spot. Maybe they liked the combination of one red strung bead, but then they see another one that they liked more. They’ll place the first one back but not on the correct hook so now it may be on a $5.99 hook when in reality it’s a $12.99 bead set. 

On one side of the aisle are all of the strung beads and some packaged beads and on the wall across from it, you’ll find more packaged beads as well as all the little tiny thingamajigs that you need to create a necklace, bracelet, pin, or earrings. There are so many little pieces that you need. I’d like to create a necklace and a pin just to get it out of my system but there are so many things you need lol … maybe one day. 

What I’ve learned from my short time at my job is that I am more of a hands-on person. I don’t think I could last long at a desk job, I need the freedom to move around constantly, to reorganize things lol. I’ve also seen how liberating it has been for my creative side. I’ve been able to crochet and learn more about the different yarns and patterns, and recently I’ve begun to mess with the sewing machine. I’ve seen how everyone who works there has a hobby or a small side business creating something they love, be it in quilting, crocheting, sewing, embroidering etc for themselves, friends/family or clients. 

For some time now I have felt like I’m finally letting a part of me come out, I’m letting myself be whole and free. I used to hate myself for being so “artys-fartsy” so “girly” (how ppl described me) so I saw this side of me as an abomination.  I hated myself I wanted to be gray and black, be a cave-man, grunt and pound my chest. I hated myself for being moved at the sight of the sunrise on my way to school and having my eyes tear up. I hated myself for wanting to color all over my biology/geography journal, for wanting to put more effort into it looking nice (got me extra points though lol). I hated myself for being so interested in each petal on a rose, for being fascinated by the colors and patterns on the wings on a butterfly. I hated myself for being so nervous about going to my first musical. I hated myself for hiding the fact that I used to youtube operas and be captivated by the 30 min aria someone sang to let the audience know they were dying or dead (not that long but that’s how it felt lol) I hated myself for admiring the way dancers moved to a song and for wanting to do the same. I hated myself for wanting to see how a gown flowed when the lady moved, for wanting to see all the details its creator put on it. 

 I thank Abba for letting me learn and accept that He chose for me to be a man. He put some of His own creative fire inside of me. That fire is what has always pushed me towards the visual and performing arts, it’s what makes me want to be a flutist, what makes me want to be a potter, what makes me want to be a jeweler, what makes me want to be crocheter, what makes me want to be an organist, what makes me want to be a fashion designer, what makes me want to be pastry chef, what makes me want to be a painter, what makes me want to be a ballet dancer, what makes me want to be a cellist, what makes me want to be a poet or a lyricist, what makes me want to be even more artsy fartsy than ever before. 

When I look up at your skies,  at what your fingers made—  the moon and the stars  that you set firmly in place—” Psalm 8:3

I hated the part of me that resembled my Heavenly Father the most, Jehova creator of Heaven and Earth! He gave the color to the sunrise and the sunset. He chose the colors on a hummingbird making them resemble gems. He gave the birds and the whales their songs. He allowed the oyster to create the pearl and earth the ability to create diamonds and gems. He gave each season their own palette of colors to use. He created the Aurora Borealis. He painted and molded each galaxy and star that leave me breathless. 

Thank you, Father, for creating me and molding me. Help me to stop fighting you and to give you the freedom to do what you need to do in my life and in my soul so that I can be a part of your kingdom here on earth dedicated to helping those around us. Jesus, help me, to allow your love to flow through me so that I can see the beauty inside of everyone. Help me see them as you see them so that I can overcome my own pride, my selfish ways and actually do something to help and not just say “I’ll pray for them from afar.” Holy Spirit guide me, teach me to use the talent and gifts you have placed within me. Help me to use them for your kingdom and not just for my personal gain. Allow me to make gifts for those who need it the most and not just for my family and friends. Help me to accept myself and see myself the way you see me. Forgive me for hating the way you molded me. Help those boys, guys, men who find themselves hating themselves for being different. Help them to accept the men you are trying to mold them to be. Guide their parents and families to help them cultivate their talents and abilities and not to crush them. I know the pain and agony of having that inner battle. In Jesus, my savior and redeemer’s name I pray. Amen.



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